Press conference for Coach Kevin of the Rich Liberal Trendy Cause, following the team's epic Monday night collapse, which resulted in a Week Two loss to the Draft and Draught Dream Team! by one yard, 107.4-107.3.
Coach K approaches the podium. The reporters break out in a cacophony of questions, but Coach K cuts them off.
"I'll take questions at the end, but I want to address this loss personally first. I'd like to begin by saying for the record that our boys played a heck of a ballgame this weekend. It was a back and forth game; it was an exciting game; it was a game that kept everyone enthralled until, almost literally, the final snap of the weekend. It's a team game, but I'd particularly like to single out CJ Spiller, who stepped up in a big way for us in his first start of the season, and Hakeem Nicks, who now leads the DDL in total receiving yards. Jimmy [Graham] found the end zone again; he had a solid day, and Tom Brady worked his way out of a bad first half and put up serviceable numbers. I'm sure he'll be just fine going forward.
Now, to the trade. First, I'd like to wish Shonn [Greene] and Torrey [Smith] the best. I understand Shonn got a bit banged up this weekend; I hope he's okay. Julio Jones had a rough first outing, but I'm confident he'll be fine for the rest of the season. He's an elite talent, and he won't have many 4 catch/ 15 yard outings.
Next, Randall Cobb. I take full responsibility for this loss. I took a risk, and I knew it at the time, by throwing Cobb into our starting lineup. Fact is, he's simply not ready yet for that role, and that's not his fault - it's mine. Part of the reason we made a move for Julio was to give Cobb time to get some experience and work his way into the starting lineup. Antonio Brown, too, is going to get more work in the near future.
I think The Cause are still a force in the DDL, and I gotta tell you, I'll take 107 points any week of the season. Losing on the final play, by one yard, is dramatic and, frankly, a tough way to lose, but the boys will win far more often than not if they play that way every week." Coach K pauses. "Okay, any questions?"
Several reporters begin clamoring for attention.
"Coach, what are your thoughts on that last play? If Julio gets 6 yards or fewer, the Broncos get the ball back, and Prater gets a chance to kick a game winning extra point for both them and the Cause. If he gets 8, you just win outright."
Coach K: "Yeah, that hurt, I can't lie. What's there to say? I have to believe Julio will learn from this and just break a tackle for a change. He's new to the team, but he knows our motto. Earn. Your. Spot."
"Coach, what about Matt Prater? Your kicking game has been lackluster at best."
CK: "This has been the Achilles heel of the franchise for awhile, and we'll be exploring new options at kicker next week - Prater simply isn't getting the opportunities to kick field goals. Three points isn't enough."
"Coach, will Julio be starting next week?"
CK: "He's penciled in at WR2. Antonio Brown, if he starts finding the end zone, may get some playing time down the line, but Julio is a special talent."
"Coach, would you make that trade again, knowing that Greene's 2.3 points would've been enough to win the game?"
CK: "The Cause are a stronger team today than yesterday. I don't look at one week to decide if a trade was good. Ryan Mathews will be back in the lineup next week, and again, I have every confidence in Julio Jones."
"Coach, how do you feel about losing because Adam "Pacman" Jones returned a punt for a touchdown for the DDDT defense?"
CK: "Losing a fantasy game because of Pacman? I have no comment for that, other than that boy, does it hurt... Honestly I didn't even know he was in the league anymore."
Coach K cuts off the rest of the questions from the pack of reporters. "Listen, guys, it's just one game. We still have the best damn team in the DDL. Never forget that our goal is not to win the first game or the second game of the year - we're gonna win the last one. Next week we have the Mounties, and we're moving on and preparing for that. Thank you."
Coach K leaves the podium and strides confidently away, back down the corridor to the locker room. He pauses, though, at the locker room door. With a deep breath, he opens the door and steps inside, all business once again.