Performance Review

TO: COACH.K@RICHLIBERALTRENDYCAUSE.ORG
CC: XOXOTomAndGiseleXOXO@gmail.com,  GrahamCrackers@hotmail.com, TheREALLawFirm@gmail.com, HakeemTheDream88@verizon.net, RoddyWhiteGotNuttinOnME11@gmail.com, and (11) others...

SUBJECT: Performance Review

To the staff, players, and ownership of the Rich Liberal Trendy Cause,

The DDL has completed one quarter of its scheduled sixteen game season, and as such it is time to evaluate the performance of everyone involved in the organization. This review is for the sole purpose of improving the franchise as we go forward, and any and all feedback is welcome from both staff and personnel.

Sincerely,
The Board of Directors
Rich Liberal Trendy Cause
                                                                                                                                                                      

Quarterback

Tom Brady - 4 starts, 4 quality, 1 superstar, 4th in total points at position

The franchise has invested quite a bit in Tom Brady, and thus far he has performed adequately to the needs of the team. His Week Four performance was a stellar result, and a reminder to the DDL that Brady should not be underestimated. However, we expect him to finish in the top three at the position, and we hope that he trends more towards 20-25 points a week.

GRADE: A-

Running Back

BenJarvis Green-Ellis -  4 starts, 2 quality, 2 decent, 19th in total points at position

CJ Spiller - 2 starts, 1 superstar, 1 quality, 1 superstar on bench, 3rd in total points at position

Ryan Mathews - 2 starts, 2 DNP, 1 decent, 1 subpar

The running backs of the Cause have been spotty, but effective. CJ Spiller delivered a fantastic game while on the bench, and a fantastic one in the starting lineup, which validated his draft position. The Law Firm is steady in his scoring, but we cannot rely on him to score more than 10 points a week. Finally, given his injury status, it is too early to evaluate Ryan Mathews. We would like to see significant improvement from the running backs, but given the draft strategy of waiting at the position, we are content with the results.

GRADE: C+

Wide Receiver

Hakeem Nicks - 2 starts, 2 DNP, 1 superstar, 1 bad

Julio Jones - 3 starts, 1 great, 2 bad

Antonio Brown - 2 starts, 1 good on bench, 2 good in lineup

"Inconsistent" doesn't even begin to describe the work thus far put in by the Cause's wide receiver corps. Antonio Brown has been the best of the bunch - every time he plays, he at least give us a decent outing. Nicks has been battling an injury all season, and he did put up a fantastic week 2 score. But Julio Jones has been downright disappointing - games of 3 and 1.5 points, including a Monday Night Football disaster where he needed just one more yard to seal a victory, simply will not do. Worst of all, the bench fill ins have not plugged any holes when they have started, although Lance Moore has been intriguing. Quite simply, the wide receivers need to do better.

GRADE: C-

Tight End

Jimmy Graham - 4 starts, 2 quality, 2 decent, 3rd in total points at position

Graham has been very steady all season. We hoped he would be leading the league at tight end through four games, but although this hasn't happened, his consistent performance and his upside give us every confidence that he will continue to meet or exceed our expectations.

GRADE: B+

KICKER AND DEFENSE

The front office has elected to make use of the waiver wire to plug in both of these positions as necessary, and thus far the results have been mixed, but not awful. With the recent acquisition of the Cardinals D/ST, we have every confidence that this unit will get to where it needs to be.

GRADE: C+

Front Office

The Cause sits 4th overall with a 3-1 record, and would make the playoffs if the season ended today. The front office has aggressively pursued trades to improve the team, and while early indications suggest Julio Jones' acquisition has not panned out, we hope to see improvement from him as the season goes on. However, the start of WR Randall Cobb in Week 3 over Antonio Brown was questionable at best, and it contributed to our only loss of the season. Hopefully, starting rosters will be optimized more carefully as the season rolls on.

GRADE: B

Ref-rees Back

I'm Bringin' Ref-rees back! (Yeah!)
Them other ref-er-ees call fiction fact (Yeah!)
I think it sucks when they call ticky tack (Yeah!)
So call Ed Hochuli and get him back (Yeah!)

(TAKE IT TO THE BRIDGE!)

That call was laaaaame (uh huh)
One ref called touchdown but the other caaaaaved (uh huh)
The Seahawks cheated but they won the gaaaame (uh huh)
It's just that real refs don't call games this way (uh huh)

(TAKE IT TO THE CHORUS)
Come on, ref(Let's bring the refs back)
Make the right call (Let's bring the refs back)
INT? (Let's bring the refs back)
You've gotta be kiddin' me (Let's bring the refs back)
So you call simultaneous catch (Let's bring the refs back)
C'mon, that ball was trapped. (Let's bring the refs back)
That call was wild (Let's bring the refs back)
Goodell's a child. (Let's bring the refs back)

and

Bring the refs back (Let's bring the refs back)
Bring the refs back (Let's bring the refs back)
Bring the refs back (Let's bring the refs back)
Bring the refs back (Let's bring the refs back)
Bring the refs back (Let's bring the refs back)
Bring the refs back (Let's bring the refs back)

Week Four Victory!

The Rich Liberal Trendy Cause have defeated the Global Maple Syrup Reserve, 84.7-70.8. In honor of our triumph, I give you ....Inception Cat!

Week Four!

"Coach?"

 "Yes, Antonio Brown?"

Brown walked into Coach K's office, a sheepish look on his face. "Coach, I just don't think I'm ready for this game. I think I'm gonna take a week off, you know? Get my head right, be ready for the rest of the week," explained Brown.

Coach K looked at him quizzically. "Like, a week off? No injury, no cramps, just... a break?"

Brown nodded vigorously. "Yes, that's it exactly! What do you think?", he asked.

Coach K nodded resignedly, "Fine, fine, whatever keeps you healthy."
"Aw man, thanks so much, Coach! You won't regret it!" Brown quickly vacated the room, leaving behind a bemused Coach K.

A few minutes later, CJ Spiller and Fred Jackson hobbled down the hallway. Spiller spoke up, "Hey coach, we're both going to play. I think. Not sure which though. Hope it isn't a problem." Jackson quickly nodded in acquiescence. "Yeah, we'll be better later, but we'll try to play this week! I think!" They quickly ran off before the now-concerned coach could voice an objection.

"Man," thought Coach K, "everyone is so flaky this week." The coach went back to drawing up a starting roster for Week Four.

While he worked, the team doctor tiptoed his way into the office. "A word, Coach?"

The coach once again looked up, irritation written all over his face. "What is it now, Doc?"

"It's Nicks, Coach. Hakeem Nicks. He's been great all week in practice, and he's shown a lot of improvement all week. But..."

"Spit it out, Doc, it's one of those days already."

"Well, I really want to give him one more week to rest. I'm ruling him out for Sunday."

Coach K stared at the ceiling for a couple seconds. "Of course you are." With a quick slice of his pen across his roster notes, Coach K looked back to his desk. He did not look up again, and the doctor took the hint and made good his escape.

Week Three Victory!

I promise more updates are coming; I've been away in Paducah, Kentucky, for a work conference. In the interim, The Cause have bounced back in a major way, defeating the Montclair Mounties, 85.3-76.8. To celebrate our 2-1 record, here's Mike Francesca of WFAN New York falling asleep on the air!